the lesser known "I Don't Have A Dream" speech

i never really thought of how this moment would go

i wasn't really nervous, i wasn't really excited

because i don't really care about what people think of me

i wrote what i wrote for me

some of it was really personal, and i was insecure about all of it

but i wouldn't take back a single word i wrote

so here it goes...

I'm an 18 year old girl that doesn't have a dream

i don't really know what i want from life

i change my mind everyday

i don't really know who i am or where i fit in

but truth be told i don't really care.

i use haha too much

i chose my pen name after a character of a hit 90's movie 

i use dork as a term of endearment 

July 24 is the best day that i can remember

i believe everything looks better in black

i'm writing this instead of my college essays

hawaii is my paris

my best friends all live over 3000 miles away now

i speak fluent movie quotes

and i absolutely hate mirrors

but mostly i'm me

not Cher, me

no longer anonymous

i'm just Jenna

Jenna Bell

everything ends in 1

it started with two

just two

you and me

nothing but the sound of your broken speakers to fill the silence

you said you liked my music, but i didn't believe you

no one likes my music

then there was five thousand

all swaying their phone lights to the sound of my favorite writer

and i realized that you had memorized the songs for me

and your favorite happened to be mine

then there was twenty

twenty of us left in that cold barn

all saying goodbye

john mayer had never sounded more heartbreaking

than he did that night as we all stared at our shoes

that night ended with two

just two

you and me

and as we sat there in your car

listening to those broken speakers play our favorite song

that melody had never sounded more sad

and your face had never looked more hurt

but the next day it was me

just me

just one

because at the end of the day i always end up alone

and i always end up missing everyone i ever knew

and everything ends in one

even that song

cross my heart and hope to die

i thought nothing hurt more than when he left and i cracked right 

down the middle.

and that crack got deeper and deeper everyday he was gone.

and then i forgot what his voice sounded like

and the feeling of his arms as they would wrap around me

after that...i split right in half

i thought i knew pain when that pillow no longer smelled like you

and i'd hold it and cry and only smell rain

but now as i drive pass that hill where we held each other so tight,

or turn on the radio and hear the song you said reminded you of my 

eyes,

or i hold onto that chain you gave me the night you told me not to

 forget you,

then pain just becomes a word. and there's nothing in the world that

 equals what i feel.

like pain is a paper cut and this is a bullet wound

and you didn't even ask if i was okay

but okay won't fix my heart that is now a pile of glass

and i'm sorry would have mended the paper cut,

but it doesn't fix the bullet hole

the heart i gave

i know that i gave you my heart

but you might not be able to read it, and it has locks that no 

longer have keys

i'm sorry about that.

there are things that i won't share with you. 

things i won't share with anyone.

so this is an apology.

to you

to my parents

to my friends

to my brother

to my cousin

i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i will never tell you what

 happened to me in the ninth grade. and why 

i've never been the same since

i'm sorry i will never tell you about the 2nd

 of November and where my head was at. i 

don't even know what i was thinking myself.

i'm sorry i will never tell you what i'm thinking, or how i'm 

really feeling. i'm just scared that once you know, you'll never

see me in the same way.

i'm sorry if you thought i wasn't listening. i always am. i just

get lost in your eyes and carried away when i listen to your voice.

i'm sorry if this is too long

mostly i'm sorry i forgot to wear your heart around my neck today

i won't forget again

and i hope you don't forget my apology

my C+ heart

my teacher asked me to draw a perfect heart,

and gave me instructions about how to stay in the lines...

but the only heart i've ever known is broken, dented and aching.

there's a hole in the center that has been bleeding for 17 years

there's a bruise from that boy in the ninth grade liked 

someone else.

it turned black when i was 15 to match my emotions

there's a piece missing from when you left three months ago.

it shrunk when i gave you my heart and it was left out to die,

it aches every single night, but it somehow pulls itself back 

together while i sleep.

so sorry if its edges are too rough, and the color isn't right. 

sorry if the beats don't match up and it no longer works the same.

i'm sorry if my heart isn't perfect, and it's only worth a C+,

but it's the only heart i know

and i wouldn't take away a single scratch

humans are like glass...

her parents fear the day that shallow will become deep

her friends fear the day she'll start wearing long sleeves to hide


 the evidence of pain.

her sister fears the day when there's a vacant seat at the dinner 


table.

her boyfriend fears the day when his mind echoes with only the 


memory of her laugh

but she fears the day when she no longer feels the pain at all.

and deep won't be deep enough 

and i'll always wonder if she finally felt when the end came

adventurous&crazy

for some of us,
high school is just another stop before we move on to bigger and better

but the second stop on the map doesn't have to be just another stop. it may not be your final destination
but you can make it a stop that matters.
so throw the map out the window and don't worry about following other people's rules!
go to the game and cheer under those friday night lights. go get lost somewhere with the people that matter. get busted by the cops for things that made you feel alive. eat whatever the crap you want before it all goes to your hips. hold that boy's hand tight and never let it go, because you're NOT too young for love. sleep til noon on a saturday . ditch the classes that aren't Nelson's. try not to care what anyone else thinks of you, and just do what makes you happy

because this is our last chance to be reckless and crazy.. and you might not love high school now, but you might look back one day and and miss the stadium lights, and wish you had been a little more adventurous, and wish you had been a little more you.