the lesser known "I Don't Have A Dream" speech

i never really thought of how this moment would go

i wasn't really nervous, i wasn't really excited

because i don't really care about what people think of me

i wrote what i wrote for me

some of it was really personal, and i was insecure about all of it

but i wouldn't take back a single word i wrote

so here it goes...

I'm an 18 year old girl that doesn't have a dream

i don't really know what i want from life

i change my mind everyday

i don't really know who i am or where i fit in

but truth be told i don't really care.

i use haha too much

i chose my pen name after a character of a hit 90's movie 

i use dork as a term of endearment 

July 24 is the best day that i can remember

i believe everything looks better in black

i'm writing this instead of my college essays

hawaii is my paris

my best friends all live over 3000 miles away now

i speak fluent movie quotes

and i absolutely hate mirrors

but mostly i'm me

not Cher, me

no longer anonymous

i'm just Jenna

Jenna Bell

everything ends in 1

it started with two

just two

you and me

nothing but the sound of your broken speakers to fill the silence

you said you liked my music, but i didn't believe you

no one likes my music

then there was five thousand

all swaying their phone lights to the sound of my favorite writer

and i realized that you had memorized the songs for me

and your favorite happened to be mine

then there was twenty

twenty of us left in that cold barn

all saying goodbye

john mayer had never sounded more heartbreaking

than he did that night as we all stared at our shoes

that night ended with two

just two

you and me

and as we sat there in your car

listening to those broken speakers play our favorite song

that melody had never sounded more sad

and your face had never looked more hurt

but the next day it was me

just me

just one

because at the end of the day i always end up alone

and i always end up missing everyone i ever knew

and everything ends in one

even that song

cross my heart and hope to die

i thought nothing hurt more than when he left and i cracked right 

down the middle.

and that crack got deeper and deeper everyday he was gone.

and then i forgot what his voice sounded like

and the feeling of his arms as they would wrap around me

after that...i split right in half

i thought i knew pain when that pillow no longer smelled like you

and i'd hold it and cry and only smell rain

but now as i drive pass that hill where we held each other so tight,

or turn on the radio and hear the song you said reminded you of my 

eyes,

or i hold onto that chain you gave me the night you told me not to

 forget you,

then pain just becomes a word. and there's nothing in the world that

 equals what i feel.

like pain is a paper cut and this is a bullet wound

and you didn't even ask if i was okay

but okay won't fix my heart that is now a pile of glass

and i'm sorry would have mended the paper cut,

but it doesn't fix the bullet hole

the heart i gave

i know that i gave you my heart

but you might not be able to read it, and it has locks that no 

longer have keys

i'm sorry about that.

there are things that i won't share with you. 

things i won't share with anyone.

so this is an apology.

to you

to my parents

to my friends

to my brother

to my cousin

i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i will never tell you what

 happened to me in the ninth grade. and why 

i've never been the same since

i'm sorry i will never tell you about the 2nd

 of November and where my head was at. i 

don't even know what i was thinking myself.

i'm sorry i will never tell you what i'm thinking, or how i'm 

really feeling. i'm just scared that once you know, you'll never

see me in the same way.

i'm sorry if you thought i wasn't listening. i always am. i just

get lost in your eyes and carried away when i listen to your voice.

i'm sorry if this is too long

mostly i'm sorry i forgot to wear your heart around my neck today

i won't forget again

and i hope you don't forget my apology