your eyes come first

i'm going to start with what i don't remember

because i don't remember the view, but i remember your eyes

and i remember the feeling of your hands on my back

and getting a glimpse of the moon over your shoulder when you held 

me closer

i remember your smile...your real smile that you didn't try to hide

and i remember you saying that i was making it too hard for you 

to leave

i'm sorry

i remember those phone calls that always seemed to interrupt us 

i remember your birthday and getting in trouble because we didn't 

want to say goodnight

and i remember doing it all over again the next night

i try to remember July 24th but then i stop myself because i know 

i'll get too nostalgic for you

but maybe it's worth it

i remember every note to all 18 songs, and why you say they remind 

you of me

and i remember listening to them everyday for months after you left,

and why i'll probably do it again

i remember being told that using i is improper, but how can i talk

about you without talking about you and i?

i can't

so i'll remember it all. everything your mom tells me, the sound of 

your voice, the moon coming in second over your eyes, and the 

goodbyes. 

but more importantly i'll always remember our hello

i bought a house in paris

Dear Wondermike,

this is inspired by your post I Bought a House in Paris

this was my favorite post of yours, and i hope you approve of what i

did with it

under the ink

if it told you what i dreamed about, would you still stay to watch 

me sleep?

if i told you why i like that song, would you still listen to it 

with me?

if i told you how we were going to end, would you still have tried?

if i told you what the blacked out words said, would you still 

think the remaining are beautiful?

because the best stories lie in the words that you can't see. 

the words that you have to search to find. 

hidden in there is the 31st of may, and how amazing and horrifying i

find that day

or july 29th at 3AM, and how even though we were supposed to be sad,

we still found humor in that awful experience.

and in the center, if you look hard enough, you'll see the 24th of

july. and why i consider it the best day of my life.

and sure you may not understand, and you may prefer the words that i

have left for you to read. but they'll never amount to a 12AM text

on november 12, or an 'i miss you' on the 16th of every month

and those stories are not so easily left around to find

the lesser known "I Don't Have A Dream" speech

i never really thought of how this moment would go

i wasn't really nervous, i wasn't really excited

because i don't really care about what people think of me

i wrote what i wrote for me

some of it was really personal, and i was insecure about all of it

but i wouldn't take back a single word i wrote

so here it goes...

I'm an 18 year old girl that doesn't have a dream

i don't really know what i want from life

i change my mind everyday

i don't really know who i am or where i fit in

but truth be told i don't really care.

i use haha too much

i chose my pen name after a character of a hit 90's movie 

i use dork as a term of endearment 

July 24 is the best day that i can remember

i believe everything looks better in black

i'm writing this instead of my college essays

hawaii is my paris

my best friends all live over 3000 miles away now

i speak fluent movie quotes

and i absolutely hate mirrors

but mostly i'm me

not Cher, me

no longer anonymous

i'm just Jenna

Jenna Bell

everything ends in 1

it started with two

just two

you and me

nothing but the sound of your broken speakers to fill the silence

you said you liked my music, but i didn't believe you

no one likes my music

then there was five thousand

all swaying their phone lights to the sound of my favorite writer

and i realized that you had memorized the songs for me

and your favorite happened to be mine

then there was twenty

twenty of us left in that cold barn

all saying goodbye

john mayer had never sounded more heartbreaking

than he did that night as we all stared at our shoes

that night ended with two

just two

you and me

and as we sat there in your car

listening to those broken speakers play our favorite song

that melody had never sounded more sad

and your face had never looked more hurt

but the next day it was me

just me

just one

because at the end of the day i always end up alone

and i always end up missing everyone i ever knew

and everything ends in one

even that song

cross my heart and hope to die

i thought nothing hurt more than when he left and i cracked right 

down the middle.

and that crack got deeper and deeper everyday he was gone.

and then i forgot what his voice sounded like

and the feeling of his arms as they would wrap around me

after that...i split right in half

i thought i knew pain when that pillow no longer smelled like you

and i'd hold it and cry and only smell rain

but now as i drive pass that hill where we held each other so tight,

or turn on the radio and hear the song you said reminded you of my 

eyes,

or i hold onto that chain you gave me the night you told me not to

 forget you,

then pain just becomes a word. and there's nothing in the world that

 equals what i feel.

like pain is a paper cut and this is a bullet wound

and you didn't even ask if i was okay

but okay won't fix my heart that is now a pile of glass

and i'm sorry would have mended the paper cut,

but it doesn't fix the bullet hole

the heart i gave

i know that i gave you my heart

but you might not be able to read it, and it has locks that no 

longer have keys

i'm sorry about that.

there are things that i won't share with you. 

things i won't share with anyone.

so this is an apology.

to you

to my parents

to my friends

to my brother

to my cousin

i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i will never tell you what

 happened to me in the ninth grade. and why 

i've never been the same since

i'm sorry i will never tell you about the 2nd

 of November and where my head was at. i 

don't even know what i was thinking myself.

i'm sorry i will never tell you what i'm thinking, or how i'm 

really feeling. i'm just scared that once you know, you'll never

see me in the same way.

i'm sorry if you thought i wasn't listening. i always am. i just

get lost in your eyes and carried away when i listen to your voice.

i'm sorry if this is too long

mostly i'm sorry i forgot to wear your heart around my neck today

i won't forget again

and i hope you don't forget my apology

my C+ heart

my teacher asked me to draw a perfect heart,

and gave me instructions about how to stay in the lines...

but the only heart i've ever known is broken, dented and aching.

there's a hole in the center that has been bleeding for 17 years

there's a bruise from that boy in the ninth grade liked 

someone else.

it turned black when i was 15 to match my emotions

there's a piece missing from when you left three months ago.

it shrunk when i gave you my heart and it was left out to die,

it aches every single night, but it somehow pulls itself back 

together while i sleep.

so sorry if its edges are too rough, and the color isn't right. 

sorry if the beats don't match up and it no longer works the same.

i'm sorry if my heart isn't perfect, and it's only worth a C+,

but it's the only heart i know

and i wouldn't take away a single scratch

humans are like glass...

her parents fear the day that shallow will become deep

her friends fear the day she'll start wearing long sleeves to hide


 the evidence of pain.

her sister fears the day when there's a vacant seat at the dinner 


table.

her boyfriend fears the day when his mind echoes with only the 


memory of her laugh

but she fears the day when she no longer feels the pain at all.

and deep won't be deep enough 

and i'll always wonder if she finally felt when the end came

adventurous&crazy

for some of us,
high school is just another stop before we move on to bigger and better

but the second stop on the map doesn't have to be just another stop. it may not be your final destination
but you can make it a stop that matters.
so throw the map out the window and don't worry about following other people's rules!
go to the game and cheer under those friday night lights. go get lost somewhere with the people that matter. get busted by the cops for things that made you feel alive. eat whatever the crap you want before it all goes to your hips. hold that boy's hand tight and never let it go, because you're NOT too young for love. sleep til noon on a saturday . ditch the classes that aren't Nelson's. try not to care what anyone else thinks of you, and just do what makes you happy

because this is our last chance to be reckless and crazy.. and you might not love high school now, but you might look back one day and and miss the stadium lights, and wish you had been a little more adventurous, and wish you had been a little more you.

SCHEDULED FOR DEMOLITION AT 2:00!

it's 12:23 and our walls are crumbling down 

all your dreams and ambitions, your goals and your future..

all scheduled for demolition at 2:00.

so was it worth it to build your bricks with all the other?

was it worth it to build a wall without a foundation?

well it's 2:01 and your bricks are now dust, along with the person you built yours on

for what it's worth i never thought of you as a single brick

i saw you as the whole damn wall

waiting for tuesday

sunday was never my day.

because i've met more demons than angels

and i've always been attracted to the darkness.

sunday was never my day.

because i spent too many months on my knees

praying for a boy who always leaves.

and heaven has never felt farther away.

sunday was never my day.

because i take the day of rest too far

and soon i was never awake.

sunday was never my day.

because every sunday i fall out of love

and by tuesday you have me hooked again.

sunday was never my day.

because i wish it was tuesday.

blurry but real

it's said that scorpios tend to overlook even the biggest flaws of 

the people they love but are they flaws if i'm in love with them?

 so go ahead and sing along, even if you're

 wildly tone deaf...because there's nothing 

i'd rather listen to. laugh like a dork to my

 dumb jokes, i love seeing your real smile

  when i can.

 

talk a lot during movies because i'd rather 

hear your voice anyway. because there's 

nothing more beautiful than someone being 

them self. and there's nothing more beautiful

 to me than your flaws.

1000011010000011101

you said that God made the most beautiful flower red 

to match my lips and cheeks.

but i like daisies more than roses.

and i told him God made my favorite flower white

to match your hair

and to remind me you're always there.

try me

my back
                          cracks more 
                                                           than my 
                                                                                          smile does

WARNING: mentions God. Don't yell at me.

can i start out blunt?

sometimes i hate God for giving me perfect health.

is that selfish?

well sorry, that's just me.

i'm the girl who feels guilty being so healthy while people i love suffer. if i could take their pain

 and give it to myself, i'd do it in a heartbeat. and you better belive i would.

i'm the girl who cries so hard her lungs start to contract..to the point where my words become quick

 gasps for air. as if my body believes it's dying from sadness and this will be it's final breath.

i'm the girl who is still waking up every morning, just not with you.

i'm the girl who claims she hates tomatoes, yet has never even tried one.

so maybe you should find someone who already likes tomatoes...

i'm the girl with poems inside of me, that paper just can't handle

9/17/2015

This playlist is for the sad, happy, hopeful, the lonely, the quiet ones, the thinkers, the daydreamers,

the young, the crazy, and the ones who will listen. Enjoy!

Dear Pillow, Sorry about the tears...

I love to sleep, but the nights are the worst.

As I try and fall asleep my thoughts can't help but drift to you.

And sometimes the pain is so bad I want to get up. Get up and run 

as far and as fast as I can, hoping to outrun the thought of you, 

to avoid the pain.

But the world doesn't work like that, it doesn't matter how far or 

fast I run, because you'll never leave my thoughts. So instead, 

I'll lay there and think of you, and embrace the pain. 

And as the tears hit my pillow I hope that unconsciousness will 

take me at last.

I may be tasteless

I'm a white crayon.

I'm ordinary.

I'm tasteless.

My Mother says that everyone has a beautiful side.

So I guess that makes me a circle.

I'm in a box with a red crayon, she started off white..but she didn't realize that

 an inappropriate touch could turn her surface red.

The blue crayon who sits next me is a downer and pathetically sad...But her 

emotions show that she is as deep as an ocean and has more depth than a 

shallow white could ever see.

Even the black crayon, with its instant association with darkness, sadness and

 nothingness has the potential to leave a significant mark on a page.

What if I want to be more than a white crayon?

I'm a white crayon.

I'm also ordinary.

And I may be tasteless, but so is water, and we all need that!

Let me be Clear

We are the children of entitlement.

People that worship brands because all they are is clothes.

People that once had an original thought...

but it long died of loneliness.

People that are certified with knives 

because of how many we put in each others back's.

People that beg a website for some respect and company.

People who went from monopolizing plastic on cardboard

to monopolizing each other.

Always feel free to ask, but never feel entitled to an answer.

We are just children of entitlement

who need to learn how to build their own future.

How he was...

He came into my life how people come into this world,
new, uncertain, filled with hope and an unknown future.
But he left the way that we all leave this place,
leaving trash and chaos behind.

His presence grew to be so familiar, I hadn't known what life would be like after he'd gone. The way he wore RVCA everyday, the smell of his cologne you'd only know when you were so close, how he would talk through the movie and apologize every time, and the gray hat that never left his head.

Even now I'll still catch the smell of his cologne, and I will long for his pointless commentary and that one night I took that hat, and he just looked at me and smiled. Never taking it back. And I knew that after that point, I wouldn't be the same. And I never was. because...

He came into my life how people come into this world,
new, uncertain, filled with hope and an unknown future.
But he left the way that we all leave this place,
leaving trash and chaos behind.

G sharp.

she changes the song too often and she does the same with people,
she cries during the happy songs and smiles through the sad.
she says that song is like her life, but no one knows how.
she says the chords spell her name but it ends with a G sharp.